Study on Christianity

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It is a reflection on my feelings on the religion, and my personal struggle with it etc. Cale could represent Man and Melinda could represent Jesus on a symbolic level. On the literal level I see them as being romantically involved. I'm going to have to explain all of it at the interview I'm sure.

Edited by White o Light - 05 March 2007 at 10:19pm

Boss_DJ wrote: you spelled pail wrong

thanks

FROG MAN wrote: you hate christanity because theres a small thought in the back of your mind that it could be true, and it drives you nuts, you want it to be wrong, it has to be wrong, but what if, it drives you nuts and you wish it didnt exsist so didnt have to think about it. oh ya, its a paintball forum with 10 year olds,

I more see it as I want to be able to love Christianity, and it is explained as I would see it ideally.

Yeah, I am expecting some helpful feedback though, I already got a spelling error.

Hysteria wrote: "Well what do you mean by that?" Melinda asked. It annoys me to no end when I see it that in a book.  I also think you should have something in there relating it to Christianity.  One should not have to listen to your explanation just to link the title to the story.  Other than those two things, it was good.

Would "Melinda said" sound better?

I don't know why but it annoys me that they are both finishing what they were consuming in two consecutive sentences. Its like you wanted to start with alot of imagery, but it feels like you made Melinda finishing her tea so you could add more description to the sentence. I don't know, I'm not a very good critical reader, it just kind of hit me funny.

revised

"Do things ever just drive you mad?" Cale asked as he decided the last bites of his apple would be better left to the garbage pail than his stomach.

"Well what do you mean by that?" Melinda said, finishing up the last tastes of her tea.

"I mean... here's an example.” Cale said as he sat up straight as if he was about to say something very important. “Like, the other day I see this guy in some real strange get up. I can't even describe it but the way he was wearing his clothes just really worked me up; worked me up real bad, I mean I could have hit the guy. I've never met him, spoken to him, nothin'. But at that point I could have just smacked him." He steamed, “I dunno, it’s just lately... the tiniest things will really kill me. Do you get that at all?"

"I think I know what you are talking about," Melinda said in a calm tone- Melinda was always calm. Her attention had been taken away from the remains of tea leaves in her cup to Cale's eyes. Melinda continued, "But it’s times I imagine a deer drinking from a creek or the thin layer of ice that forms over rushing water in deep winter that make me feel like it’s okay and I'm not out of place. There are some beauties that can't be described through art or anything else that trivial. Its times like those I'm pretty sure I'll never die."
          They stepped outside to wait for the bus. To this day they will tell you they have never waited for a bus that long.

I tend to agree with most of the comments about the length and depth of the passage.  There are no references, ties, connections or anything we can relate to Christianity save for the title.  Were I to respond to the piece without any of your explanations, I might consider your meaning as a possible interpretation, but I could probably justify a dozen other interpretations.

Build on your long form and consider allusions.  You could take the syntax from a fitting biblical passage and mimic it, or some such small allusion.  A piece should speak for itself, never ever write something which you have to explain.

Finally, work on your diction and syntax.  You repeat a number of words, that gets very irritating (examples:  Bus, last, Melinda, etc.).  Vary how you set-up the sentences.  Your diction and syntax are very vanilla, they aren't intriguing and have no connection to what your talking about.  Involve the reader, your story reads like an essay question right now.

A decent start, but theres a ways you can go.  Good luck!

i hate english teachers

in all my experience... english teachers are the most closed-minded of all teachers.

Well Melinda seems to detatched from humanity to represent Jesus, remember he was a man, (as in a human). So he felt the same pain, the same temptations, the same struggles as we do, he did this so he could relate to us. The differance between us and him though, is that he never gave in to his temptations, thus proving he is stronger than us, and perfect. Other than that, I thought it was pretty good, a little short, but good.

Thats, my two cents.