bathroom experience.. long

Let me tell you, a little more than a year go I have been with the most wonderful woman. She just happens to have a brother in the Sichuan Province of China.(visiting) If you should know anything about China, you should know that Sichuan Province is well known for its spicy food. I like spicy food and every chance I get I have her cook something hot and bless her heart, she usually does or orders take out.

Unfortunately, the problem usually arrives the next morning. I eat a lot of fiber and am what would be considered to be a "morning crapper". I have been known to have to pull over at a McDonalds on I-20 coming in to work because of the urgency with which my bowels were speaking to me. Have you ever had to clench your butthole so tight you knew if you could string it you would be able to play the banjo tune from Deliverance?...I have. My butthole has been "strumming" more than a couple times in my life.

Fast forward to Father's day (Sunday). My favorite restaurant resides in Plano(tx). It just happens to be a Sichuan style restaurant by the name of "Sichuanese". Well the girl had to drive her mom back up to Plano Sunday afternoon. So...being Father's day, my girl decided it would be really nice to bring me and my father some take-out since he and I stayed home and was taking care of the dogs. She ended up bringing home two of my favorite entrees; boiled Basa fish (with jalapenos, ginger and black fungus) and Sichuan spicy boiled beef. Usually these dishes have large chunks of ginger, jalapeno slices, dried sichuan pepper and cayenne pepper floating around in the mix. Mmmm...Mmmm good!

Fast forward to yesterday. For lunch I had the remainder of the spicy boiled beef (3 days old now) and about 8 Lychee fruits (damn good fruit if you've never tried them). And...for dinner last night I had a spicy stir fried bell pepper and chicken dish (made by my girls mother).

Fast forward to this morning (Wednesday). I was leaving the house after having my usual morning breakfast of a banana and a tall glass of low sodium V-8. Usually the fiber in the V-8 acts as a "pusher", if you will, and like clockwork I will be sitting on the pot taking care of business by 8 am. This morning was one of those rare occassions when things did not follow the usual schedule. As I was closing the garage door I felt "the pressure". Now sometimes this is just gas which can be released without any consequence (no sharts). But...this felt different. I was contemplating going back inside but I didn't want to wake my parents and dogs and I felt pretty confident I would make it in to work ok.

Wrong. As I drove in to work the pressure continued to build and build. Have you ever had to crap so bad while you are in your car that you start to sweat and turn up the A/C just a notch or open the window? Have you ever released your seat-belt because its contributing to the pressure? Have you ever wondered "if I get in an accident on the freeway, because I'm driving like mad to get to work because I need to poop what will I do?" "I'm sorry officer, but I was driving like an idiot because I really needed to crap and If I don't go drop my britches on the other side of my wrecked car I'm going to crap my pants right in front of you?" These are the thoughts that nightmares are made of. Luckily I made it in to work, but everybody seems to be driving slower when you've got to crap with a quickness.

I grab my lunch out of the car as I parked in my spot and at a brisk clip, I start walking to the store. Now, where I work, it is no short walk from the parking lot to the building. It's one thing to be sitting in the car not moving and using every muscle in your lower body to keep your butt shut but it is quite another thing when you start walking and "crap" literally starts moving around.

As I'm walking to the office I get stopped by the company "bullcraper". This is the guy that always has to stop and talk to you and never shuts up. The guy is asking me questions and all I can think about is how far I still have to walk to get to the bathroom. Could he not see the beads of perspiration dotting my face? Did he notice a slight tremble in my body...I had to get away from him. He's still talking as I start walking away, you know the type...

I make it to the office to drop off my lunch in the refrigerator (I don't like taking my lunch into the bathroom even when I'm about ready to drop a load in my pants). I then proceed to head right back out the door to the bathroom. I walk up the stairs and one of the stalls is occupied. Whew! No one saw me enter and the only worry I had was the faceless nameless guy in stall #2. The bathroom at work is set up with urinals one one wall (5) and stalls on the opposite wall (6). I usually set up residence in stall #4 because it is one of the few stalls that still has a lock that works on the door (pet peave) and I have determined through experience that the end stalls are where most pooping and pissing occurs. For some reason most people like end stalls where they have a stall on one side and a wall on the other. Now I'm gonna get have to get side-tracked...

[/rant on] What is it with guys that wont use a urinal. Do they have a deep seated fear that if they are standing next to another guy at urinal they are going to have their butt pinched. Do they easily get stage fright? I know a couple of guys at work that for the life of me I have never seen use a urinal. They'll usually go into a stall, leave the door open, not raise the lid and piss all over the toilet seat. Can someone please explain that one to me? Is there a psychological explanation for the fear of urinals? [\rant off]

Back to the story at hand. As I head to stall #4, I quickly pull a "paper butt gasket" out of the dispenser on the wall. These sanitary devices are often used to prevent intimate contact of your butt cheeks with any foreign matter on the toilet seat. In addition, I usually spool off some toilet paper from the dispenser on the side of the stall and wipe off any urine that may reside on the toilet seat from the "non urinal" guys above. However, due to the urgency of the situation today I just place the "butt gasket" on the lid and sat down.

As my butt-hole loosened the plug that was apparently holding everthing back shot out followed by a solid stream of liquid crap. The splash back caused by the plug was quite severe (take note). The noises that accompanied this event were a couple of pops, squeeks, chirps and a stacatto of gunfire type sharts. At this point I could care less what the guy in stall #2 was thinking. The instant relief was immense and comforting. Now I know how a pressure cooker feels before the pop-off valve relieves pressure. I sat there for a while as more watery crap dribbled out my butt and sadistically enjoyed the burn as the peppers from the previous meals of the day before left the building. A few minuets of hell later.. Whew! Done!. As I get ready to reach up and grab some toilet paper, I look at the dispenser and its all out. Son of a MF female dog!!

I'm thinking, ok, its just me and the guy in stall #2. He's still rustling around in his stall so I can sneak into stall #5 and get some paper. As I stand up, I forgot about the splash back that had accompanied the choad that was the engine driving the train out my butt. As I stood up, I felt crap and toilet water start to dribble down my butt. Then to my horror it starting dribbling onto the toile seat. So I'm thinking to myself, how do I pull up my britches to move to the other stall without getting this concoction on my clothes. I jumped up and down a couple of time to dispense any more drops. then acting like a crab, I "crabbed" around and over to #5. Unfortunately as I glanced in the toilet of #5 I saw the remnants of a crappile someone else had left and was too grossed out to enter. I passed it by. I then "crabbed" to stall #6...it was clean..good. I get into #6 and start the immense task of cleaning my butt.

Now I'm the kinda person who won't leave the butt dribbles on the toilet seat in stall #4. I'm neat and clean and don't pull that kinda crap (no pun intended). As I'm in #6, the dude in #2 exits and starts washing his hands. Did he glance into # 4 and see the mess? Gawd I hope not. As I hear him at the paper towel dispenser and then at the stairs I start to exit #6. I had spooled off a wad of toilet paper and quickly hurried over to #4 and gave the seat a quick wipe to remove evidence of my misfortune. This is why you always want to use one of those butt gaskets. You never know what has been done or happened previously on the seat before you sit down.

Moral(s) of the story? Butt gaskets and toilet paper are a must when using a public restroom. Always check for toilet paper before you go into a stall, even if the blinding need is urgent. Lastly, stay away from 3 day old Sichuanese food.