So I did something tonight...

 

Yes, this is an FB post but unfortunately for reasons you guys will see in a sec I can't really do that.

 

As I've posted before, I struggle with alcoholism. Not the "woe is me I must now drink until I die" kind of alcoholism but the "holy crap I love drinking" type. Not that I'm segregating alcies here, but my previous posts on this subject were quite depressing and I don't want to mislead you guys in to thinking I suffer from eternal self pity.

Anyhoo, I've done better over the past year in realizing that A:) I have a definite problem and B:) all the crap and excuses I come up with don't change the fact that I'm the one who tips the bottle and therefore am solely responsible for my backslidings.

Despite my marked improvement, however, I tend to think of this as an all or nothing endeavor. I look at it that I'm either sober and living or drinking and dying. Throughout the past few months I've taken steps in both directions for a myriad of self delusional reasons but oddly enough it's a purely narcissistic pursuit that's changed my ideologies-I love working out. In fact, I've become a little OCD about it. I religiously measure, weigh, and grade myself and chastise myself for my various shortcomings.

One of my biggest pitfalls is that drinking dilutes my ability to get in shape. This is, for me, a massive source of shame and probably the first real awakening I've dealt with that I'm only partially in control of this situation. It allowed me to envision myself as small and helpless to my problem instead of the dark and brooding victim that I had once enjoyed painting.

TL;DR-I've been drinking alot lately. Last week I went out with some friends and attempted to put my foot down by designating myself as the, er, designated driver. This of course led to "go ahead and get me some Wild Turkey shots" which led to me going hoping and drinking myself unconscious by myself.

When I went outside the next morning, I discovered that my friends had left gas money in my car and a lovely bouquet of 6 packs in my back seat along with a bottle of Wild Turkey which amazes me because my friends make alot of money and I'm dirt poor.

Today, I indulged in about 4 of the beers and realized that I'm acting like a child with a problem that I should be dealing with as an adult. So I drug my happy ass to the kitchen and about 20 minutes ago I poured out 6 6 packs of Budweiser Black Crown and a full bottle of Wild Turkey.

Most of you (if you've made it this far) are probably like "So-?" But for me, this felt amazing. It was like looking the lion in the mouth and saying "Nope, not this time."

Carry on with your days.

 

After awhile, I realized that I didn't bounce back from the hangovers like I used to.  In fact, they were turning into a drag.  My health was starting to slip as well.  I had to focus my energies elsewhere like hanging with friends, joining a Tae Kwon Do class and then into powerlifting.  Now married with children, I rarely drink anymore.  It is rare that the fridge is without beer, but where it took me a day or two to finish off a case of beer, it now takes about a month to finish a 12 pack between my wife and I.  You can beat it.  You just have to want to beat it.  Dumping the beer and booze was a great start!  Congrats.

 

impulse wrote: But I also had to realize I'm addicted to more. In the fact that, if something makes me feel good, I want more of it.

 

I think this is the real bottom line of my issues. This goes well beyond alcohol and more in to a self destructive desire to constantly feel good. I think what scared me the most is the idea that I'm developing into an unstable person who won't be able to hold a job or a normal life because as soon as stress or anxiety creeps in I run to something that makes me feel good. I think it's been a very helpful introspective into areas that have been plaguing me for years.

It's an entire mindset that really cripples you over time. It's why my brother and I suck at relationships. I've posted my "intimacy" issues on the forum before, but it really comes back to the idea that women get piled in to this "feel good" attitude and get treated like objects. I think I've missed out on some amazing oppurtunities with girls I really liked or cared for because I chose the quick lay over the relationships. I regret all of this now, but you can't go back.

And that's what alcoholism is to me-regret. You just look back on the memories you could have had versus the things you can't remember or want to forget.

StormyKnight wrote: After awhile, I realized that I didn't bounce back from the hangovers like I used to. In fact, they were turning into a drag.

 

This is actually the one upside to being a binging alcoholic. Unlike the "wake up in the morning and start popping beers" variety that runs in my family, my body tends to kick my ass pretty hard here lately. I don't think I even really experience hangovers until last year-now just getting a buzz results in vomiting, acid reflux, and a terrible headache that goes on for a couple of days sometimes.

Being sick all of the time really wakes you up. I've got to where I get a nice little high from working out that's actually satisfying and comes with a next morning that actually makes me feel BETTER about myself. I've started bicycling, taking my rottie for walks, actually associating with other humans on a level that doesn't involve blacking out and making a fool of myself.

It's roughly the same here in Texas.

 

You get used to involving beer or liquor with everything around here. Fishing? You drink. Listening to music? You drink. Hanging with friends? You drink.

 

Then you eventually reach an age where you're the one buying the liquor for your friends so you always have a stock at the house. Then one day you realize you don't have to wait on them to get there-you can just drink on your own. It's like waking up and realizing there's an arcade in your garage-what the hell were you even going out and using your quarters for to begin with?

 

Being an alcy is expensive too. When you're in college you start looking for ways to economize your buzz so you go out and less and drink alone more. I think that's how you start the habit.

 

I do agree with you though-I don't consider myself "diseased," I consider myself perpetually bored. That's the trouble with self diagnosing something like this. You have this image of old men with five o' clock shadows who wake up and brain sex themselves with Mad Dog 20/20 or Boone's Farm and you kind of wait to turn in to that.

 

But then you see guys like Bradley Cooper and read about their restraining orders and blackout humiliations and realize that there's really no face to the habit (I say habit instead of disease because I feel like using the term disease removes the inherit responsibility factor.)

I think that Impulse hit the nail on the head-it's not the alcohol you get addicted to, it's just being high in general.

I had it explained recently to me this way. Guardrails. 

We all see them and they are located at a place that is safe, but if you go PAST the guardrail, you are in big trouble. So do your actions/friends push you to walk on top of the guardrail or do they want you to stay on the street far away from danger.

As I'm sure you've gathered I had some friends that LIVED on the other side of the guardrail, hanging on for dear life. It was fun over there, but as I got older, I realized I was putting myself at major risk by hanging out with those guys. As you get older, you will see that many of the guys that you were once close with aren't "helping" you toward your life goals. Which is why friends are so important, as they have a huge impact in our lives. Some good, and some bad... Even if "our" outlook and goals are different, our friends choices can directly affect us. 

I'll be praying for you, as you deal with this stuff. I'm sure it ain't easy.