How The Shenk Stole Christmas.
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Category: News And Views
Forum Name: Thoughts and Opinions
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Printed Date: 06 May 2024 at 2:24am
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Topic: How The Shenk Stole Christmas.
Posted By: Man Bites Dog
Subject: How The Shenk Stole Christmas.
Date Posted: 24 December 2007 at 5:38pm
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By popular demand, I am posting this again. Enjoy: How The Shenk Stole Christmas. -Jeffrey "Whale" Riley  Every poster Logged to Mother Liked Christmas a lot... But the Shenk Who was a Mod of Mother… Did NOT! The Shenk hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season! Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason. It could be the constant threads, they come quite a lot… The dozens of threads, saying “Post what you got” But I think that the most likely reason of all May have been that his trench-coat, was two sizes too small. But, whatever the reason, His coat or the booze, He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating the newbs Staring over from PBC with a crazy-eyed frown At the happy Christmas threads, posted in Forum-town. For he knew every poster would be up to no good… Waiting for the mods to log off, just like they should. "They’re getting new X7’s!“ he snarled with a sneer. "Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!" Then he growled, with his long fingers nervously drumming, "I MUST find a way to keep all the newbs from coming!" For, tomorrow, he knew... ...All the forum girl and boys Would wake up bright and early. They'd rush for their toys! And then! They would see it! Under their tree’s Brand new X7’s Triumph’s and C3’s Then the newbs of all ages would get curious… And begin thinking “Wonder how it works…” And they'd open them up, and scatter the pieces… They will stare at the manual, trying to reconnect the beast! But no! The directions they won’t follow in the least! And THEN They'd do something he liked least of all! Every newb everywhere, would take their new loot… Out to the back yard, and attempt to shoot. They would soon figure out that they failed the rebuild… They'd **edited**! They complain! They swear the tank is filled! And then, the worst of all, they sign on the internet. And onto the forum, all of them will get… They make threads, saying the product is bad! “Help me fix it!” all downcast and sad. So says the Shenk, I must stop the invasion now! ...But HOW?" Then he got an idea! An awful idea! ENOS SHENK GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA! "I know just what to do!" The Shenk laughed in his throat. And he made a quick Santa-Claus mask, and red trench-coat. And he chuckled, the coughed, "What a great forum trick! "With this coat and this hat, I'll look just like Saint Nick!" "All I need is some reindeer..." Enos Shenk looked around. But since reindeer are scarce, there was none to be found. Did that stop Enos Shenk? No! Onto PBC he logged, and simply said, "Free beer for anyone who helps me instead!" So he gathered some members, with just a mouse click… He got Funky, Choopie, Brihard, Tom and Patrick. THEN He grabbed some Hefty bags And a bottle of Jack Piled all into his pickup, And he found his GPS, got it out of his pack. Then Enos Shenk said, "Giddyap!" And the Truck started down Toward the homes where the newbs Lay a-snooze in their town. All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air. All the newbs were all dreaming sweet dreams without care When he came to the first house in the square. "This is stop number one," The old Enos Shenk hissed And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist. Then he slid down the chimney, easy because Shenk is thin “Santa, that fatass…” he thought with a grin… He only stopped once, for a moment or two. To let Funky light up a cigar or two. Where the little newb stockings all hung in a row. "These stockings," he grinned, "are the first things to go!" Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant, Around the whole room, and he took every present! Air tanks! Hoppers! Drops forewords! Paintballs! Pod packs! Barrels! He took every gun, sure to get them all… And he stuffed them in bags. Then Enos Shenk, very nimbly, Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney! Then he slunk to the fridge, he knew how to cause fear. He pooped right on the Turkey, that would end all their cheer. Causing this commotion! Being quite the burden! Just like his hero, one called Tyler Durden. Then he turned his direction onto the tree… For no reason at all, he dropped his fly and took quite the pee.. And the Grinch shook it off, getting out the last drops He heard the sound come towards him, a little slight hop. He saw someone he knew, who goes by the nick… Of the chat’s Polish wonder boy, our own Cedric. Enos Shenk had been caught doing this foul deed By a kid who just wanted some good late night weed. She stared at the man, and asked “Why, Enos, Why?” "Why are you pissing on our Christmas tree? WHY?" But, you know, that old Enos was so smart and so slick He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick! While the gears in his head oh they did clank, “Here, why don’t you take some of this, it's quite dank” And gift fooled the child. Sticking the joint in his head. And he snapped on his Zippo, and he sent him to bed. And when Cedric went to bed with his J HE went to the chimney, knowing all was OK. Then He did the same thing To the other forumer’s houses Taking all their junk, Not just the kind in the trunk. It was quarter past dawn... All the newbs, still a-bed All the newbs, still a-snooze When he packed up his sled, Packed it up with their Ions! Timmy‘s! Cockers! Soon packed away safe, home in his locker. All the way home, he had to hump it. He rode to his house, and their stuff he did dump it. "Pooh-pooh to the Newbs!" he was grinch-ish-ly humming. "They're finding out now that no Christmas is coming! "They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do! "Their mouths will hang open a minute or two "Then all the Newbs down in Newbs-ville will all get online “They will all make threads, none will be whines!” "That's a sight," grinned Enos Shenk "For which I pine” So he paused. And then Enos Shenk put an eye to the screen They were slow popping up, But soon they could be seen It started in low. Thoughts and Opinion‘s was small... The threads were not about broken gear, they were about no gear at all! “Those little ingrates, The complain no matter what happens! “All they do is rant and rave, then go back to fappin’! It couldn't be so! All that working for not He stared at the forum. Enos Shenk rubbed his eyes! Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise! MORE THREADS “SOMEONE STOLE MY GEAR!“ they all came just the same! And Enos Shenk, with his tight jacket around his frame Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so? “I took all the gear! I took all the stuff! "I need a cigarette right now, sweet smoke to puff And he puzzled three hours, `till his puzzler was sore. Then Enos Shenk thought of something he hadn't before! "Maybe I should give it back," he thought, "They are not that bad "Maybe Christmas threads, I can help with, so they will not be sad And what happened then...? Well...in Newb-ville they say That the Shenks small jacket Grew three sizes that day! And the minute his chest didn’t feel so tight He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light And he brought back the paintball stuff, all in one batch And he... ...HE HIMSELF...! Played the first match. ------------- 
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Replies:
Posted By: xXK1CK1NVV1NGXx
Date Posted: 24 December 2007 at 5:43pm
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Very good whale. ------------- <Sig violation, Section 1> |
Posted By: Skillet42565
Date Posted: 24 December 2007 at 5:46pm
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Enos doesn't stare from PBC anymore. Hes the Grinch, but we're the PBC.
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Posted By: Ticalxx421
Date Posted: 24 December 2007 at 5:47pm
------------- [IMG]http://i14.tinypic.com/73e0l8j.jpg"> Represent! |
Posted By: High Voltage
Date Posted: 24 December 2007 at 5:47pm
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Copypasta.
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Posted By: Ticalxx421
Date Posted: 24 December 2007 at 5:48pm
------------- [IMG]http://i14.tinypic.com/73e0l8j.jpg"> Represent! |
High Voltage wrote:Posted By: Da Hui
Date Posted: 24 December 2007 at 5:49pm
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Posted By: usafpilot07
Date Posted: 24 December 2007 at 5:51pm
| Can we still expect a "twas the night before Christmas poem" this year? |
Posted By: Santa Chewp
Date Posted: 24 December 2007 at 5:57pm
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Heh, I was hoping my pic would make it in again :D
------------- [IMG]http://i9.tinypic.com/8f3jo8l.jpg"> |
Posted By: ammolord
Date Posted: 24 December 2007 at 5:59pm
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dude.... nice. ------------- PSN Tag: AmmoLord XBL: xXAmmoLordXx ~Minister of Tinkering With Things That Go "BOOM!"(AKA Minister of Munitions)~ |
Posted By: Hairball!!!
Date Posted: 24 December 2007 at 5:59pm
Neat, I'm a reindeer 
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Posted By: SSOK
Date Posted: 24 December 2007 at 6:06pm
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By popular demand you mean me? lol. I was going to re-post it, but I felt like I shouldn't so I PM'ed TKD. I'm just glad it got re-posted, thats all I wanted in the first place. ------------- 
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Posted By: sinisterNorth
Date Posted: 24 December 2007 at 7:13pm
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Always a good read.
------------- Pumpker'd; (V.) When a pump player runs up and shoots you at point blank range because you thought 20bps made you good. |
Posted By: carl_the_sniper
Date Posted: 24 December 2007 at 7:43pm
I have one I was working on but then I remmebered that there actually was an official one wasen't there? |
Posted By: Skillet42565
Date Posted: 24 December 2007 at 7:44pm
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We have an official one, that has yet to be posted... Whale needs to get on that, I think hes the one who posts it every year.
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Posted By: White o Light
Date Posted: 24 December 2007 at 7:45pm
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looooooooooool
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Posted By: oreomann33
Date Posted: 24 December 2007 at 7:52pm
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Posted By: RoboCop
Date Posted: 25 December 2015 at 2:57pm
| Back to the front page! |
Posted By: SSOK
Date Posted: 25 December 2015 at 11:26pm
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Merry Christmas! The warm weather this year kind of put a damper on the holiday season. Disappointing. -------------
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Posted By: Benjichang
Date Posted: 28 December 2015 at 4:25pm
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Classic. -------------  irc.esper.net #paintball |
Posted By: lighteningbolt
Date Posted: 29 December 2015 at 11:17am
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Didn't he used to have a "Santa Shenk" account? ------------- |