I need some serious advice...
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Topic: I need some serious advice...
Posted By: .Ryan
Subject: I need some serious advice...
Date Posted: 23 June 2008 at 5:50pm
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Alright, so I know serious threads are kind of frowned upon around here, much less ones that are what could be called emo, but I need some advice and I don't really have anyone to talk to about this. My girlfriend and I have been together for more than 5 years now and I've been having some doubts. We got together in highschool and stuff got serious pretty quick. I fell in deep and she became my world within the first few months. A number of months in we started having to deal with her parents and I realized how crappy her home life was and got in that stuggle along side her, which drew us that much closer. Everyone tried to push us apart and there was a lot of drama, but we stuck it out and I ended up getting her out of her house to come live with me and my grandparents when she turned 18. This was all great but for a while now I've been feeling less close to her. I should mention that there is a two year age difference here, I'm 21 and she's 19, but lately she has just seemed so young and immature to me. We never were on the same intellectual level, which didn't matter for most of out time together, but now that's starting to bother me too, and that coupled with the immaturity I see makes me feel like we're just a lot farther apart now. I've also changed a lot in this time, as you can imagine. I've grown up a lot, I've found myself a lot more, grew into my mind a bit during college, and that has just made our differences bigger. I thrive on intelligent conversation with equals, and right now I'm starving for it. Not to mention I've been developing my hope and dreams and plans for the future and she just sort of hasn't. She has even been kind of reluctant to get a job to help out with the expenses we "share" and to help us get our own place. She says she wants to go to college, but she doesn't know what she wants to do. I'm at the point now that I want to go and try to do big things, and with the way she is and where she's at right now, I don't know if I can take her with me. Don't get me wrong, I still love her. I really love her and I can stomach the thought I hurting her at all, especially after all the promises we've made and what we've been through together, but I'm just not happy any more. Part of me thinks this is all just a result of some recent stress I've been going through over money and some other stuff and the fact that I don't really have any good friends right now since all mine drifted away after highschool and all of hers seem like idiots to me. If that's the case, and it really isn't about me not being as close to her as I was, then I really don't want to do anything drastic and ruin something that has been building this long. Not to mention hurting her badly. But, at the same time, this has been eating at me, and I'm finding myself being a jerk to her, so I have to address it. I feel so confused, sad, and kind of selfish right now and I don't know what to do. I don't even know if I got this all out right. I just need some guidance. Any help would be appreciated. -------------  |
Replies:
Posted By: Skillet42565
Date Posted: 23 June 2008 at 5:52pm
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Talk to her about it...
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Posted By: .Ryan
Date Posted: 23 June 2008 at 5:54pm
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I sort of tried the other night, but she just got all upset and defensive saying, "you sound like you don't think we should be together"....And I didn't even get much said...
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Posted By: Skillet42565
Date Posted: 23 June 2008 at 5:58pm
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If she won't be mature about it, you're probably better off without her. -------------
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Posted By: Benjichang
Date Posted: 23 June 2008 at 6:20pm
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Meh. I just got out of a three year relationship. No regrets.
-------------  irc.esper.net #paintball |
Posted By: impulse!
Date Posted: 23 June 2008 at 6:31pm
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Posted By: jmac3
Date Posted: 23 June 2008 at 6:34pm
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pffft...you're only 21. That means you have been going out with this girl since you were 16. I am surprised it has lasted that long. You have more years to find another girl who is both mature and intelligent. ------------- Que pasa? 
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Posted By: Uncle Rudder
Date Posted: 23 June 2008 at 6:34pm
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Try to talk again, and make sure she knows its serious business. If she won't even talk about it then it's probabaly time to cut bait. ------------- 
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Posted By: unvolution
Date Posted: 23 June 2008 at 6:35pm
...forcibly... make her sit and listen and if she cant understand that then o well.. more chickens in the farm or something along those lines... but you have to get her to realize she has to do her own share so that you dont become depressed to the point where you may hurt yourself... mentally... and for the friends part... we'll all be your friends... and try going to things you enjoy doing in your free time and talk to random people and make friends who are interested in the same thing as you... best of luck dude |
Skillet42565 wrote:Posted By: .Ryan
Date Posted: 23 June 2008 at 6:38pm
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Thanks guys. I think what makes it so hard is that we both have built our lives around each other for the past five years. Neither of us have much outside of this and I know if anything happens then it's going to hurt both of us really bad. Logically, I know what I should probably do. Otherwise though, it isn't nearly that easy....It's like that "Bad Goodbye" song...
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Posted By: xteam
Date Posted: 23 June 2008 at 6:38pm
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send her a smiley face.
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Posted By: Darur
Date Posted: 23 June 2008 at 6:44pm
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Speaking from being in a similar situation with a two year relationship, ending it was the best thing thats happened to me in a very long time. I felt the same way before we broke up that you do right now. You'll be better off in the short and long run. ------------- Real Men play Tuba [IMG]http://img89.imageshack.us/img89/1859/newsmall6xz.jpg"> PH33R TEH 1337 Dwarf! http://www.tippmann.com/forum/wwf77a/log_off_user.asp" rel="nofollow - DONT CLICK ME!!1 |
Posted By: Ace_Of_Spades
Date Posted: 23 June 2008 at 6:46pm
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seeing that tlking to her directly failed, why not write everything on a pad of paper and leave it for her to see while your at work or class so that way she cant say anything back b4 your done talking ------------- 
J. Thompson #5150- http://www.pbnation.com/showthread.php?t=2945831 - Happiness Is A Tupperware Fed Weapon |
Posted By: Nagash1959
Date Posted: 23 June 2008 at 7:11pm
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First off, NEVER try to talk directly to a woman. They are a timid creature prone to striking out violently an illogically at anything that confuses or upsets them. Instead try hand puppets or perhaps old road runner clips to calm them down... Secondly, I have been with my girl for over seven years. There are ups and downs with what seems to be the "maturity" level, and your overall situation seems to mirror mine somewhat. I'm going to let you in on a little secret....ready?....
Your girlfriend/wife/significant other will ALWAYS piss you off some how. Either make you flat-out angry at her or cause you to think there is something wrong with the relationship. This is part of the male/female interaction. Unless she is a valleygirl that has an air compressor keeping her head inflated to give the sembelence of thought she will eventually change. It may be a slow process but that is how it works. DOn't let people give you the ultra-generic "Maybe if she can't talk to you it's time to move on" crap. As the man in the relationship it is your job to take the crap, deal with the stupidity and yes, sometimes hold the whole thing together. But if you love her, if you can look into her eyes and forget that she just put the cat in the dishwasher or whatever stupid thing she did, then your fine. ------------- 98 Custom Cyclone Double E-Trigger Polished Internals Freak kit X-chamber CP Drop w/On/Off |
Posted By: Mehs
Date Posted: 23 June 2008 at 7:12pm
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Sounds like you need a break from her in some form, keep in mind that she has two years behind you, that can make a big difference in terms of maturity. It obvious that you two have a very strong relationship formed, and it would really suck for it to end just like that... I'd say take a week or so break from seeing her, see how that goes, afterwards if you still feel the same way, talk to her, afterwards if that does not go well, it may be time to move on. ------------- [IMG]http://i27.tinypic.com/1538fbc.jpg"> Squeeze Box ☣ |
Posted By: GI JOES SON
Date Posted: 23 June 2008 at 7:21pm
story time? |
Posted By: Ace_Of_Spades
Date Posted: 23 June 2008 at 7:26pm
IDK wy but i lol'ed hard at this -------------
J. Thompson #5150- http://www.pbnation.com/showthread.php?t=2945831 - Happiness Is A Tupperware Fed Weapon |
Posted By: Zata
Date Posted: 23 June 2008 at 7:29pm
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Does she have anywhere else to live besides her parents? Sounds to me like that could maybe be an obstacle for you guys if you did break up. I agree with what Nagash said though. |
Posted By: Zata
Date Posted: 23 June 2008 at 7:30pm
Yeah that was definitely funny. |
Posted By: sinisterNorth
Date Posted: 23 June 2008 at 7:39pm
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I went through a similar situation and I feel it has turned out for the better. My girlfriend and I took a break and realized that we wanted to be together regardless of what we previously thought. I think you need to talk to her again about what you want to have together--make sure you're both still on the same page. If you are, you need to explain that in order for those things to happen you both need to contribute. Tell her what you told us. If it means something to you, you'll work it out. Good luck, buddy. ------------- Pumpker'd; (V.) When a pump player runs up and shoots you at point blank range because you thought 20bps made you good. |
Posted By: Evil Elvis
Date Posted: 23 June 2008 at 8:04pm
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First of all LOL @ looking for relationship advise here of all places.
Second dude, get a hold of yourself. If it ain't right and she ain't willing to listen, work, talk about it. Then quit being Panda Man/Ozwag and be a man and step outside your comfort zone and start again. It's not like she's the last woman on the planet. Your 21 get your self in a few fun but short crazy horrible relationships. Life a little before you enter the monotony of LTR and marriages and all that happy horse crap. So to review Step-1 Try to fix it Worked ? Y- carry on N- move onto Step-2 Step-2 break it off Step-3 date around Step-4 get into relationships if Fail repeat Steps 1-3 ------------- 
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Posted By: cdacda13
Date Posted: 23 June 2008 at 8:57pm
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Posted By: mod98commando
Date Posted: 23 June 2008 at 10:23pm
Wow, your situation is very similar to that of one of my close friends, the ages are even identical. He's been going out with this girl for the same amount of time (off and on, they broke up and got back together a lot) and she has a crappy home life and ended up moving out for a while. His family is not doing so great financially and he's only working part-time at pathmark so he's not exactly loaded either. Anyway, I won't bore you with his situation, just thought I'd mention it since it's quite similar except that with them it's the girl that feels the way you do. They broke up about a month ago and just recently got back together but a few weeks before they did I had a talk with her about things. Basically, I told her that if talking to him hasn't worked and after this long he hasn't done his part in making things work then it's time to move on (hehe, she didn't listen but I guarantee that they'll break up again soon and then I get to say "I told you so"  ).I know you have a strong attachment to her and all but honestly, if things aren't working, they aren't working. If you're going to fix anything it'll take some effort from both of you and if she won't grow up at least temporarily so you can deal with this, end it. In my experience, the best way to solve a problem with somebody is to just talk it out with them face to face and not hold anything back. If both of you have the intention of fixing things then just spilling your guts to each other about everything will allow you to solve all your problems. I'll spare you the details but I had to do this recently with 2 of my friends. Had I not confronted them both on the issue and demanded that we deal with it, at least one of the friendships would have been killed. Confront her, let her know you mean business, and do whatever is necessary from there. ------------- oreomann33: Everybody invades Poland Rofl_Mao: And everyone eats turkey Me: But only if they're hungary Mack: Yeah but hungary people go russian through their food and end up with greece on everyth |
Posted By: Skillet42565
Date Posted: 23 June 2008 at 10:29pm
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Ask Panda Man if you want relationship advice.
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Posted By: .Ryan
Date Posted: 23 June 2008 at 10:54pm
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I was all upset when she came home. She was all holding me and stuff and made me tell her what was wrong. All I got out was that I loved her and that I never wanted to hurt her but that I wasn't happy any more and she got extremely upset. She was crying uncontrollably and she even threw up. I couldn't even look at her. All I could say was that I was so sorry. She had her dad come pick her up. She said she'd be waiting until I decided what I wanted. I feel like total crap.
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Posted By: mbro
Date Posted: 23 June 2008 at 10:58pm
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Just buy her a glass rose ------------- 
Don't blame me, I voted for Kodos. |
Posted By: Evil Elvis
Date Posted: 23 June 2008 at 11:09pm
You Fail at relationships. Feel free to trash yourself anytime. -------------
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Posted By: Ace_Of_Spades
Date Posted: 23 June 2008 at 11:12pm
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*cough* pad and paper *cough* *cough* -------------
J. Thompson #5150- http://www.pbnation.com/showthread.php?t=2945831 - Happiness Is A Tupperware Fed Weapon |
Posted By: .357 Magnum
Date Posted: 23 June 2008 at 11:54pm
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Sounds to me like you need to separate. I'm guessing things we're fine and dandy as teens but now you're starting to really grow up and start your adult life. And she sounds like she still wants to be a teen. From what you've said I think you'd be better off on your own. You sound a bit more determined and accomplished than herself and it sounds as if she isn't in any big hurry to get anywhere in life quite yet. You're still young. There will be other people.
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Posted By: rockerdoode
Date Posted: 24 June 2008 at 12:01am
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I really hate to say it like this, because it's really sad...but if she's going to be that immature about it, then it might be time to move on. Sorry man. ------------- "According to Sue Johanson, theres nothing that can increase your manhood, trust me I've already looked into it for myself." -Zata |
Posted By: .Ryan
Date Posted: 24 June 2008 at 12:34am
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I don't know. This feels really horrible and I'm having trouble thinking about all of the things that were bothering me before. I know they were real, but all I can think about are the things we've been through and how she's always stuck by me and everything. But there were so many times that I felt like I was with a kid or that I hated the fact that I couldn't have a conversation with her that was really enjoyable on my level and I don't think a relationship like that will work. It was like the only thing we had in common was our past, our attachment, and our address. I mean, there were still good times and I still really think I love her, but it's not the same kind of love anymore...or something....I don't know...I think I'm just going to try and go to sleep and try to think more clearly about it tomorrow.....All the things my mind has been screaming at me for so long are being drowned out by guilt and fear right now...I need to clear my head. Oh and EE, thanks for that, it really topped off my night. ------------- |
Posted By: unvolution
Date Posted: 24 June 2008 at 12:40am
| dude... just do what you have to do...in the end you are the only one who knows whats best for you... no one else can tell you what to do... take as much time as you need... if being with her makes you happy then ask her to come back to you... if her not being there makes you happy and feel better then thats that... my suggestion.. pros and cons chart... maybe on of those things with the circles... watch some t.v. go paintballing this weekend and clean your gear.... and your paintball gear after you go paintballing... just dont think your a horrible person for doing something that makes you happy |
Posted By: Pariel
Date Posted: 24 June 2008 at 1:03am
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Honestly, you're doing the right thing.
The whole point of being in a relationship is that both people are equals. If someone can't handle it, then there's not much point, and it sounds like she can't. Growth is a part of life, and if you're growing and she's not, somethings gotta give. I personally wouldn't let someone, even someone I love, hold me back from accomplishing all I could. Sometimes all you can do with a relationship is learn from it. *EDIT* By the way, everyone in this thread needs to use capital letters, maybe separate into paragraphs/sentences. This thread is mad hard to read. |
Posted By: unvolution
Date Posted: 24 June 2008 at 2:34am
| i use ... to seperate sentences... <- see... but pariel is right.. he makes much sense... must be why his head hurts........ |
Posted By: mod98commando
Date Posted: 24 June 2008 at 3:01am
HOT. Haha, sorry. And now for something potentially helpful... Obviously she isn't going to be happy to hear all of this but it's important that she know what you're thinking. Did you get to tell her specifics about why you weren't happy or did the puking and whatnot take over right away? You might not want to say that you can't have an intelligent conversation with her because she might interpret that and think you're calling her an idiot. Even if you do think she's dumb, you don't want her to know that, hehe. In any case, just tell her what you told us about feeling like you have little in common anymore. It does seem like some time apart might be a good thing for you though. I've found myself in similar situations and I've always just taken some time to be alone, maybe even explore something new. The important thing is that you allow yourself to be completely detached from her for a while so you can get things straightened out with yourself. As somebody else in here said, a few years can make a pretty big difference at our age. Some people like me and you go through a buttload of changes really fast and others just stay the same way they were in high school. It's hard when you're changing dramatically and those close to you aren't but you can find a way to adjust until they catch up. Just try not to sit around and dwell on the things that are going wrong and start thinking of stuff that would make you happy. I think you said before that you don't really have any friends left because of school and whatnot so think of a way to meet some people. Paintball is pretty good for that, in my experience. Just find a nice day and hit up a local field. Join up with a group of people and you might make some new friends just from BSing between games. I use paintball as an example but there's other stuff too. ------------- oreomann33: Everybody invades Poland Rofl_Mao: And everyone eats turkey Me: But only if they're hungary Mack: Yeah but hungary people go russian through their food and end up with greece on everyth |
Posted By: .Ryan
Date Posted: 24 June 2008 at 7:35am
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I didn't get to tell her much, but I mentioned some of it during my prior attempt. But yeah, like you said, it's kind of hard. I don't want to sound like I'm calling her an immature idiot, but it could easily be taken that way, especially by someone who is as insecure as she is. But yeah, I'm going to try and sit down and get some thoughts down as far as if I want to try to make us work today. As far as everything else, I suffer from living in an area with little to do(no paintball field) and a lack of money to go do things with, but I'll try. That is going to be a hard part. I thought about trying to move though, so that would be a new start in a new place and I might have more opportunities there. I don't know. This is a weird mix of tragedy, pain, opportunity, and hope....it might take a while to wrap my head around it. Thanks a lot for the advice guys, you're great. ------------- |
Posted By: GI JOES SON
Date Posted: 24 June 2008 at 8:06am
| i'm just curious as to why if her home life sucked, her dad picked her up? |
Posted By: PaiNTbALLfReNzY
Date Posted: 24 June 2008 at 8:07am
Who says her dad can't be a nice guy? Maybe her mom is the abusive one. |
Posted By: GI JOES SON
Date Posted: 24 June 2008 at 8:15am
| idk, i was just wondering...i assumed if it was bad enough for her to move out that it was both of them |
Posted By: .Ryan
Date Posted: 24 June 2008 at 8:44am
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Her mom was domineering and mentally/emotionally abusive basically. She just treated her like crap all the time and treated her brother as her favorite and allowed him to abuse my girlfriend too. There wasn't ever anything physical that I saw, it was just that they treated her like crap all of the time. Plus her family is poor and sort of....trashy....which makes life that much harder and the drama that much worse....I stuck through many many horrible times caused by her mom and finally got her out of there. But, and this is one of the things that really bothers me, she acts like she's forgotten all of that crap her mom did over those three years a lot of times....But yeah, she's back there right now, which sucks, but I can't be responsible for that anymore... ------------- |
Posted By: Nagash1959
Date Posted: 24 June 2008 at 11:16am
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Dear god, this does sound like me and my GF. Except her dad is also completely insane (think like Waco, Texas kinda crazy). So I'm gonna level with you Ryan. Grow the hell up. Before you think I'm trying to belittle you, read on. So you can't have some stupid in depth conversation with her about ::insert random subject:: That's why you have FRIENDS. I have more in common with my guy friends then my girlfriend, but I sure don't love my friends. I'm a gamer, I play tons of video games and RPG's and all sorts of nerdy stuff. I truely love it, to the point where I want to make a career out of it. I know better then to ever try having a conversation about gaming with my girl because it just isn't part of who she is. The things I find interesting or relevent are almost alien to her, and for the life of me I can't stand it when she starts to talk about psychology crap. I love Becky for who she is, not some stupid ideal of the perfect relationship. If I could sit down and have in depth conversations about ::again, random topic:: and have all these other similarites then it would be like loving myself, and believe me, I'm NOT that lovable. To be more clear, even if you found someone who was more in tune with who you are and what you want out of life you wouldn't be any happier. You would start to feel like your relationship was little more then looking into a mirror with a wig on it. The things that make you different are the things that you find attractive, even if you can't stand them. Now go out for the day with a few of the buddies. Do stuff that you love to do, talk about stuff you like to talk about. Take a day or two to yourself and then go see her again. You'll be fine. Oh, and for those wondering about the cat in the dishwasher thing, that was one of those stories that almost happened. She was holding out cat and picked up a glass to put it in the dishwasher, opened to door with the hand she had the glass in, then went to put the cat on the upper tray level. We laughed so hard she dropped the glass and the cat jumped onto the counter-top. ------------- 98 Custom Cyclone Double E-Trigger Polished Internals Freak kit X-chamber CP Drop w/On/Off |
Posted By: .Ryan
Date Posted: 24 June 2008 at 11:29am
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Thanks Ngash, appreciate the good advice. You're probably right. Anyway, she just called. We actually talked about everything and she said that things would be better when we can get our own place and that she knows she needs to grow up. She said she'd be with me no matter what I want to go for, and I love her for that. The only thing that cant be addressed is the things we care about and the intellect stuff, but Ngash made a lot of sense there. I'm going to go pick her up and we're going to try to work stuff out. Thanks to all for the help. ------------- |
Posted By: Nagash1959
Date Posted: 24 June 2008 at 11:35am
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------------- 98 Custom Cyclone Double E-Trigger Polished Internals Freak kit X-chamber CP Drop w/On/Off |
Posted By: *Stealth*
Date Posted: 24 June 2008 at 11:58am
| /glass rose, dolphin reference. |
Posted By: Nagash1959
Date Posted: 24 June 2008 at 12:15pm
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Uhm....what? ------------- 98 Custom Cyclone Double E-Trigger Polished Internals Freak kit X-chamber CP Drop w/On/Off |
Posted By: mod98commando
Date Posted: 24 June 2008 at 5:55pm
Ah, so the world didn't end, eh?  Good to hear. ------------- oreomann33: Everybody invades Poland Rofl_Mao: And everyone eats turkey Me: But only if they're hungary Mack: Yeah but hungary people go russian through their food and end up with greece on everyth |
Posted By: b1and
Date Posted: 24 June 2008 at 6:34pm
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Glass rose. Trust me.
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