Advice on 18yr old's
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Topic: Advice on 18yr old's
Posted By: oldsoldier
Subject: Advice on 18yr old's
Date Posted: 18 April 2011 at 3:16pm
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OK since most of you are near that generational number a question. Step-daughter is 'going out' with an 18year old, she is 15 to be 16 in July. Again being the Step-Dad, I can advise, but Momma (who is way too polyanna) is the primary decesion maker in that department. In my day such an act of a 'Senior' going out with a 'Sophomore' was not 'approved' by the seniors peer group. I have given this young man the 'Meet the Parents' Jack Byrnes (De Niro) 'V' from eyes watching you motion, just so he understands my view on the situation (not in front of Momma or step-daughter).
My other question is: Is this young man that uncomfortable with girls his age that he has to 'prey' on younger less mature girls. Step-daughter states they broke up, (single facebook status now) but are still 'going out' as friends? He took her to his Prom saturday, and is coming to Easter Dinner here at house Sunday. Also on drop off from Prom, yes I waited up in the tradition 'Dad' roll, a 'hickey' was very evident on the neck of this 'hero', that was not present at 'grandmas house picture session a few hours prior. My next step is 'you do understand she is a minor child in the State of Nebraska, so ANY funny stuff is by law not consensual, and your cell mates will love your young butt long time' speach. Parents of this young man are disfunctional at best, seperate and got back together ate leat 3 time during the short time step-daughter has known him, so there is another behavior 'red flag' I consider in this whole equation. This young man is also a lot 'lighter in the loafers' than any 18 year old I got off the busses back in my Drill Sergeant days, and has no real 'life plan' per our few courtesy discussions. (She turns up pregnant, he turns up dead, has been tossed around in my Momma conversations) Thoughts and Opinions from the gallery? ------------- 
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Replies:
Posted By: GroupB
Date Posted: 18 April 2011 at 3:29pm
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Eh, 2 years at that age really isn't that much of a difference, maturity wise, so I don't feel like that is a fair argument. You can try to cut him off from her, but they will just ignore you and do whatever they want anyhow, behind your back. Your best bet to ensure your step daughter's safety is to sit her down and talk about the various risks and what they could mean to her in the immediate(teens don't think long term) future. Then make sure that if she is getting it on, that she does it safely with appropriate contraceptives. ------------- 
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Posted By: Ceesman762
Date Posted: 18 April 2011 at 3:35pm
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Drop kick his ass into next week. Seriously. An 18 year old guy looking to date a 15/16 year old girl? he doesn't have her safety or best interests in mind.
------------- Innocence proves nothing FUAC!!!!! |
Posted By: GroupB
Date Posted: 18 April 2011 at 3:38pm
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No, but short of murder, stalking or keeping one of them chained to the radiator, they are going to do what they want. -------------
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Posted By: rednekk98
Date Posted: 18 April 2011 at 3:59pm
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I'd have to say 90% of the time that' a bad thing, but I do know a few couples who began dating in high school with that much of an age difference who are still together and happy (probably because they don't have kids). If your initial impression was that he's a great guy and your stepdaughter was a level-headed, rational and mature 15 year old (less than 1% chance of that) I'd say it'll be fine. But since you seem to think he's immature and/or effeminate , watch him like a hawk, make sure he knows it, and be pleasant about it to your stepdaughter. 2 1/2 years isn't a huge age difference, but odds are she will gain maturity faster than he will if he's the tool-bag he sounds like and it will play itself out.
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Posted By: High Voltage
Date Posted: 18 April 2011 at 4:51pm
Because it's totally his fault if that happens, right? Odds are "step-daughter" isn't as much of an angel as you've made her out to be. I mean just look, she put a hickey on someone's neck out of wedlock!!! What a whore! Sarcasm aside, I get that you're uber protective and I'm not suggesting my first instinct would differ in the slightest, you really need a reality check here though. Calm down, relax the internet tough guy attitude and give the girl a chance to handle her responsibilities. I'm not telling you to back off entirely and do w/e but running her life like this is not going to help her learn to make decisions. For instance you have to actually let her make a real decision first. I'm with Eville-
I would probably go as far as sitting that young man down and having a similar, non-threatening talk. Show him a little respect and he's likely to return the favor. ------------- 
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oldsoldier wrote:Posted By: Rofl_Mao
Date Posted: 18 April 2011 at 5:01pm
| As someone who is actually in high-school and is 18... Its not that big of a difference. I can see that most girls her age are very immature and all they do is talk about sex. Could just be my school though... Usually if they are under 17, thats what they're in it for and don't know what a real relationship is. I personally wouldn't date anyone that young just for that reason, but I have a couple of friends that do and they either match the maturity level of the said 15 year old girls, or the girls themselves are actually mature. Most of them are not though. |
Posted By: kickinwing2010
Date Posted: 18 April 2011 at 5:14pm
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I'm pretty sure in Nebraska 16 is the age of consent for sex. I am not one hundred percent sure, but regardless the age difference really isn't that much of a deal. On a side not, I would get her on birth control asap anymore it doesn't matter what you do kids in high school are going to have sex. I know here in Omaha area they have been having lots of problems at prom with kids literally having sex while dancing and finding used condoms afterwords. I also know that a lot of the middle school kids are now sexually active as well because the parents don't care. ------------- 
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Posted By: MeanMan
Date Posted: 18 April 2011 at 5:17pm
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Its not that big of a deal. My high school had that, heck, I dated sophomore for a couple days when I was a senior (she was crazy, she is why I stopped posting on facebook any plans or locations). When I was a freshman, a good friend of mine, a girl, started dating a senior guy and they are still together. We are sophomores in college now, so thats about 6 years. Id say let it play out for a bit ------------- 
hybrid-sniper~"To be honest, if I see a player still using an Impulse I'm going to question their motives." |
Posted By: rednekk98
Date Posted: 18 April 2011 at 5:40pm
| Also, if your step daughter should ever ask for your honest opinion about him, don't give it. I informed my sister that her ex bf was a douchebag when I first met him, she barely spoke to me for about a year until they broke up. I'd make sure to talk to him respectfully and subtly grill him about his future plans and stuff if he seems non-motivated. Let your wife take the lead on this, she should be on the pill to make sure you don't end up dealing with two generations of someone else's kids. |
Posted By: God
Date Posted: 18 April 2011 at 5:57pm
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1. Create attractive female profile on Facebook.
2. 'Friend' daughter's boyfriend. 3. Flirt and Seduce daughter's boyfiend. 4. Publicy annouce BF gave you Std 5..... 6. Profit. |
Posted By: SSOK
Date Posted: 18 April 2011 at 6:08pm
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FYI, Im 19 and in my second year of college, I graduated HS at 17.
As for the whole "what do peers think", most dont care. Unless your step daughter looks young for her age (and she probably does not) most people his age probably dont care. Chances are, he strikes a home run a lot of his friends will probably call him jailbait.
My 0.02 on the situation is, how much of a punk is the kid? If the kid is genuinely nice, respectful, makes her happy, etc then I wouldn't do much. If you think things are too serious between the two, I suggest sitting down with him and explain that you like him, find him nice, but her mom wants you to say dont get in her pants. Like someone said before, respect goes both ways.
Edit: whatever you do, dont attempt to tell the step daughter that she cant see him. It will end up with the step daughter hating you and thinking that scumbag is more important to her now. ------------- 
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Posted By: God
Date Posted: 18 April 2011 at 6:12pm
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Another great idea.
Pay boyfriend 1,000 dollars to go away. After he acccepts the cash, tell daughter. 1000 up front is better than having a teen mom in the house. |
Posted By: GI JOES SON
Date Posted: 18 April 2011 at 6:14pm
Essentially this, but i'm also one of about ten people in Long Island NY who are considered to be a redneck. Edit- and by that of course i mean that i'm no where near as liberal as most of the people on the island if he's still in HS, then it's one thing. But if he's out of hs, playing around at community college or something, or even seems like he's into some shady stuff, i would question it. |
Posted By: agentwhale007
Date Posted: 18 April 2011 at 6:24pm
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Granted I graduated high school five years ago, a senior dating a sophomore wasn't anything unheard of. There really wasn't much of a stigma or anything. Also, HV has given the best advice of anyone in the thread (Scary thought) I think. Have a non-threatening, respectful talk with the kid. Let him know that you care about your step-daughter, and you are trusting him to make the right decisions with his and her lives. Even if you don't trust him, him hearing it from you will mean something, even to an 18-year-old. Give a little respect in a situation like this and you'll get a whole lot of return on investment.
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Posted By: Tolgak
Date Posted: 18 April 2011 at 6:48pm
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Posted By: High Voltage
Date Posted: 18 April 2011 at 7:11pm
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Look at it this way, treat him like a kid and that's the reaction/behavior you will see from him. The guy's initial reaction would likely be "up yours, old man, I'll show you." I think we all know "I'll show you!" rarely turns out how we want it to. Show him some respect, treat him like a man (it will probably surprise him) and you'll have a significantly greater chance for cooperation. You mentioned his family is dysfunctional earlier. Let this be a chance for him to see that's not how life has to be and who knows, he may even look up to you in the end. Just try not to fill his head too full with conservative conspiracies.  -------------
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Posted By: __sneaky__
Date Posted: 18 April 2011 at 7:41pm
------------- "I AM a crossdresser." -Reb Cpl Forum Vice President RIP T&O Forum |
Posted By: jmac3
Date Posted: 18 April 2011 at 7:51pm
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I think it depends way more on how your step daughter is than the guy.... I have seen 16 year olds who I am like what are you 12? I have also seen 16 year olds who I thought were my age(few years ago). I am not talking looks, more their maturity/attitude. Case in point: My step sister. I refuse to believe she is 16 because of how childish she acts ALL THE TIME. Then there is this kid I played paintball with who had a 16 year old girlfriend(he was also 18 and a senior) and I never knew she wasn't at least a senior until he said it one day. Maybe my school was weird because I went to a technical high school where during shop weeks you have people two grades below you in your shop. 9th and 11th. 10th and 12th. It seemed frequent and normal for a senior to be dating a sophomore. ------------- Que pasa? 
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Posted By: Mr.Sam98C
Date Posted: 18 April 2011 at 9:19pm
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I don't think it's too weird that a senior dates a sophomore. I know several sophomore girls at my school that act FAR more mature than a lot of the senior girls there. As jmac3 said about younger people being mature, i thought my girlfriend who's 18 was 21-22 age group. ------------- In the broad spectrum of bad ideas I think this would have to rate somewhere between running with scissors and sticking your pecker in the toaster. |
Posted By: Yomillio
Date Posted: 18 April 2011 at 9:28pm
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I just graduated last year myself. A senior dating a sophomore was far from unheard of and there was never a stigma or anything associated with it. To me, high school relationships are high school relationships regardless of age (for the most part... there are cases of under / over maturity that makes things different). One of my personal friends was in a senior / sophomore relationship. They're both relatively good kids and are still together over a year later. Anyways, I suggest give him a chance and show him the respect you'd like to see in return. Everything will go downhill the minute you try to intervene, and it will only make the situation worse. Be respectful, have conversations where needed, and things will likely end up much better than if you try to kill it with fire. ------------- 
http://www.tippmann.com/forum/wwf77a/forum_posts.asp?TID=172327 - Forum XBL Gamertag Collection |
Posted By: Skillet42565
Date Posted: 18 April 2011 at 9:48pm
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HV gave the best advice, along with Whale, and I echo their sentiments. Treat them like young adults, and hopefully they will act like it. Also, this might be a sign of the growing maturity level of our own forum, but no one has asked for pics yet? We might be making progress. ------------- 
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Posted By: rednekk98
Date Posted: 18 April 2011 at 10:17pm
| If you want to get technical, use the old "1/2 age + 7 years formula" for the older person in the relationship. That's usually the limit of social acceptability considering a few years means less when everybody's older. If this guy were in college and picking up high school girls I'd say you may have to use one of those spots I'm sure everyone already has picked out in case they need to dispose of a body. The age of consent in MA is 17 (pretty old for such a liberal state, funny how the more socially conservative Southern states tend to have lower ages of consent) and my former high school principal would have done anything in her power to crush the older guy in those types of relationships had there been any hanky-panky on school grounds, but her dad was a DI. Worst case I've heard of was a 17 year old junior in high school dating a 30 year old police officer, they ended up on Judge Judy. |
Posted By: stratoaxe
Date Posted: 18 April 2011 at 10:24pm
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A couple of things from this thread-
1-15 / 16 year old girls, from my experience, are completely different from their (post highschool) counterparts. In fact, I think girls go through lots of radical changes from 16-21, and there's no way to tell just from dating them how they're going to turn out. I say that because 16 is a vulnerable year for girls. Alot of them look for emotional support at this age, and that's why they turn to older guys for security. This doesn't change alot until they hit their 20's when they start really not giving a crap. I've had alot of insight into girls in these age groups, only because I always end up playing big brother / doctor Phil to them. I also know that older guys that are savvy to this use that status to get in their pants. So...to answer your question, that's what I see going on with the whole older guy thing. Hell, I used to get laid all the time with girls (18 and up /no pedo), not even fully intentionally. I would never do that now, as guys in their 20's that do that are just creeps (weird recent incident notwithstanding). Plus, there's slot of emotional baggage to deal with. All of that said, I say let it happen. If she finds out that he's using her for sex, she'll be traumatized and heartbroken for life and will nip that older guy thing in the buds. That's important, because once she's 18 if she's into the older guy thing you'll be dealing with much bigger age gaps because she's open season. I went out with a girl who was 18 and I was 22, I thought that was weird up until I found out that her ex was 28. If I were a dad, that's castration material. At least this is just a 2 year difference. This guy probably hasnt had time nor maturity to become the older guy "predator" that daddies such as yourself fear. That takes practice. And just to throw out there-this is as much about her morality as his. If daddy's little girl needs Velcro on her knees, she's the gate keeper. I know lots of girls who were horny as hell but stood their ground against d-bags until they were over 17 or 18 to keep their pride. Sorry if that's too blunt, but you need to hear it. ------------- 
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Posted By: Shub
Date Posted: 18 April 2011 at 11:05pm
| This forum is going downhill so rapidly. Some intelligent discourse? I really only came here to see Tek9 and skinhat. |
Posted By: SSOK
Date Posted: 18 April 2011 at 11:58pm
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Posted By: oldsoldier
Date Posted: 19 April 2011 at 8:26am
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One of my prime concerns is that he intentionally avoids any potential contact with me. Other than the Prom pickup and pictures he will drop daughter off at end of driveway telling daughter he is late for something, once I can believe a constant pattern gets a red flag. Daughter sets up lunch with her Mom and me, to include "Henry" and excuse after excuse, and other instances. This Sunday will be telling if he shows as daughter expects for the Easter gathering at the house.
Step-daughter is too 'well developed' for her age physically, but not what I would call street smart, and does not see any fault in his behavior to include the constant end of drive way drop off, blaming it instead on how far out of Lincoln we are, 12 miles is not far. One of her friends has told me that 'Henry' constantly berates and insults her in and among his friends, and her friends see that he is pulling her away from her group of friends. He is not a jock, a brain, or just average, he is to me one of those kids that just seem to have no direction but access to parents credit card. Spoiled new car, that cool whatever trend thing, and flaunts it infront of those who do not. Daughters friend also states he throws tantrums if he does not get his way. There are just too many 'red flags' for my comfort zone. -------------
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Posted By: Yomillio
Date Posted: 19 April 2011 at 9:47am
Talk to the step-daughter (or her mom, whatever is necessary to get to her) that you don't appreciate his avoidance and would like a chance to meet him. He is most likely more scared of you then you realize, and things may be different if everyone can sit down and have a smooth-going, respectful conversation of any sort during a meal.
I'd say its unfair to completely judge him before everyone gets to have some time with each other, but then again, even if he is that useless, she'll learn from it herself and learn to avoid guys like him when its all over. This stuff is relatively typical for a guy his age. He'll keep being a useless person until he straightens out, and your step-daughter will learn what kind of guys to avoid when its all said and done. Her friends probably have a bad picture of this guy anyway if he's pulling her away from them, so he might not be quite as bad as they're making him out to be... and they'll take her right back in once the 'relationship' has run its course. Pretty typically stuff - I really don't think you have to worry as much as you are. Granted, it'll be uncomfortable and probably make you pretty upset at times, but its just a high school relationship. Make sure she doesn't get pregnant, and let the thing run its course. She'll learn who to stay away from and come out a smarter person for it. -------------
http://www.tippmann.com/forum/wwf77a/forum_posts.asp?TID=172327 - Forum XBL Gamertag Collection |
Posted By: High Voltage
Date Posted: 19 April 2011 at 9:58am
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OS, make some time to sit and talk with him. Tell your stepdaughter before they go out again, he owes you at least half an hour to have a heart to heart. If she can't arrange it, deal breaker. If she won't arrange it, she needs the talk. -------------
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Posted By: Gatyr
Date Posted: 19 April 2011 at 12:28pm
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HV is giving good advice.
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Posted By: Dazed
Date Posted: 19 April 2011 at 1:34pm
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I dated more than one girl whose dad had a rule that "You come to the door to get my daughter, and you bring her back to the door. Whether you get invited in either time completely depends on how much I like you."
Seriously, if she isn't worth his time to come up the driveway then he shouldn't be allowed to take her anywhere. Dads with daughters are supposed to be bears. Personally I respected the men who were civil, but I knew would castrate me much more than the ones who I barely met, much less had conversations with. Make him come to the door to get her, and drop her off. Every time they go out. It gives you a chance to talk to him and sound him out/get more comfortable with him, or if he has a problem with it he'll probably find a reason to drop her. Either way you win. |
Posted By: scotchyscotch
Date Posted: 19 April 2011 at 4:50pm
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Don't get too worried about it, Kids will be kids. However you should of course excersise some caution. IMO the whole "I'm watching you" gesture goes a long way in explaining why he doesn't want to be around you. You've already given him his first impression of you which, had it been positive could have went some way in gaining some kind of respect out the guy. Firm but fair is the only way to deal with this. Treat him with some respect and he will hopefully return it. If he doesn't then you've got a valid cause for concern and you can start polishing your gun when he comes to pick her up but until you give him a chance to fail you're kinda being a dick.
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Posted By: God
Date Posted: 19 April 2011 at 6:16pm
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If he isnt mature enough to meet you he isnt mature enough to be a dad...
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Posted By: ammolord
Date Posted: 19 April 2011 at 7:11pm
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Pretty much everything in this thread I had to say has been said already. I know im that age, but I act nothing like half the people I go to school with. My sister and her current guy friend are in the same thing your step daughter is in, so I know how that is. Let them do their thing, but remind dude what will happen if something were to go down (goes a long way, sisters boyfriend wont even come near me if my sis is upet and I have any kind of object in my hand or a closed fist).
Pretty much rambleing, so, what they all said. ------------- PSN Tag: AmmoLord XBL: xXAmmoLordXx ~Minister of Tinkering With Things That Go "BOOM!"(AKA Minister of Munitions)~ |
Posted By: oldpbnoob
Date Posted: 19 April 2011 at 9:22pm
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Random points. Sophomore dating a senior is not even remotely odd IMO. We will have a one grade above rule for the most part for our daughter, but it will also depend on the kid. Being in a small town and my wife working at the school, we know most of the kids, so that helps. Honestly though, from what OS is saying about the kid, he sounds like an asshat. Unfortunately, she may be attracted to asshats. A lot of girls are. We call it the 'bad boy syndrome" around here. It also sounds like the guy is pretty immature, so mentally he may be on the same level as your daughter. I may have an odd view on this though as well since I am actually 8 years older than my wife and we started dating when she was 18. Trust your instincts about the kid. As a man, you pretty much know what he's thinking and what he's after as it's the same thing you would have been after at that age as well most likely. ------------- "When I grow up I want to marry a rich man and live in a condor next to the beach" -- My 7yr old daughter. |
Posted By: scotchyscotch
Date Posted: 19 April 2011 at 9:26pm
| This thread has bummed me out. I have been trying to fix something with a 26 year old for a wee while and I have held back because of the age gap. However, if I was to bag this chick I would be a legend while if the age difference was the other way around I would be a douche? |
Posted By: rednekk98
Date Posted: 19 April 2011 at 9:56pm
 I know I would, but I'd make point of meeting the father regardless. If she didn't want me to I'd probably be insulted.I strongly suspect you possess strong judgement skills regarding character despite the generation-gap. Also, HV being helpful might be a sign that the Mayans were right. Scotchy: Man up and go for it. Also check your PM since I won't be publicly bragging on the internetz. |
Posted By: stratoaxe
Date Posted: 20 April 2011 at 12:31am
Both claims are highly exaggerated. I hate dating girls my age, they're too serious. I'm 24 and my dating group is still 19-22. I like the naive fun. That doesn't make me a douche, just immature. I'm not ready to grow up :P And there's nothing legendary about nailing a 25 year old when you're in your teens anymore. Ironically it's because of what this thread is abou-girls are getting funky at younger ages with much older guys. So there's not this huge sexual gap between an 18 year old and a 25 year old, at least not from my experience. The absolute most boring sex I've ever had was with a 28 year old when I was 22. The best was with a 19 year old not too long ago. I think it's all kind of relative, so long as you're not preying on underage or emotionally unstable girls. And just to throw out there-sex with older girls is WAY less intimidating. With younger girls, it's like a contest to top the other guys. With more "seasoned" girls, say 23+, they seem to take a more relaxed view about it. Most older girls understand that it takes time to figure out what the person likes, younger girls tend to judge on first impressions. Maybe the pressure is what makes it appealing to me. -------------
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Posted By: carl_the_sniper
Date Posted: 21 April 2011 at 3:22pm
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Let her do what she wants. Abortion is legal for a reason. Also, post pics of stepdaughter. ------------- <just say no to unnecessarily sexualized sigs> |
Posted By: GI JOES SON
Date Posted: 21 April 2011 at 3:35pm
guys got the good side of the double standard, i think. Don't knock it, just hit it. |
Posted By: Mack
Date Posted: 21 April 2011 at 3:59pm
This is true . . . . . . it is also probably a sign of imminently pending apocalypse.
This. The avoidance thing would definitely set off my D-bag alarm. ------------- 
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Posted By: agentwhale007
Date Posted: 21 April 2011 at 4:06pm
Well that certainly explains the horsemen this morning.
Ehh, could be. It could also just be that he's a shy person who gets nervous meeting people. It's worth figuring that part out before sounding the alarm. I would say that's more true with those younger than 18 though.
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Posted By: High Voltage
Date Posted: 21 April 2011 at 4:49pm
Shy or not, if OS did the whole "I'm watching you" gesture as he described I wouldn't want to talk to him either. Really OS, don't do anything else to antagonize the guy until he gives you an actual reason to be that way. Bet you haven't even tried to talk with him yet.  -------------
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Posted By: keckhanded
Date Posted: 21 April 2011 at 5:49pm
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I don't have kids for a lot of reasons BUT if I did my son would get condoms my daughter would get condoms and be on the pill. Only then would their life lessons be theirs only. ------------- Tree Hugging Dirt Worshipper! "certainly there is no hunting like the hunting of a man and those who have hunted armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter" E H |