Heartbreak, but its getting better

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Things have been screwed up for the past week with my girlfriend...finally, an explination
If you're going to coment, please read it all, or you will be lost
Any help is greatly apreciated...

I'm Blue
She's Red
hey silly, you're on the phone

ah duh 
whos on?
nevermind...
anyways...
whats up?
hello?
yeah
nothing
how was matts birthday?
fun
what'd you do?
swim at his cabin and such
oh
so...did you ask your mom if you could come over tommorrow?
mom was already pissed
shes ok now but i think shes in bed
pissed?
am i or she?
yea my mom was
why?
good point
did you go to matts without permission?
no i asked
oh
how dumb do you think i am
not at all
but it was during the day..not at night
i was just curious as to why she was pissed
so i didn't blow you off if thats what your trying to get at
i had an attitude? i dunno...one of the various reasons i usually get in trouble
ah...
well, i didnt think you were trying to blow me of
ok
good
having second thoughts or what?
yoo hoo
...
sorry, my parents where in the room
and they wouldn't leave
kk
ok, im here
na, i know you wouldnt blow me off, and you came to the beach, which showed you cared
lol good point
so...
hmmm...
maybe you could leave a note asking if you can come over, that way you're not just calling in the middle of the day
like on the counter or something
just leave again and get grounded?!?!?!? 
how bout ahhh no
no, but leave a note asking, and then call at noon
that way, she has time to think
because i really want to see you, really need to see you
we need to talk, need to work things out
because i cant go on like this
ummmmmmmmmmm
.....
...
i like this song
??
what?
changing the subject
may..be..
ell...we need to work things out, and it will be hard, but only as hard as we make it...and the longer we wait, the harder it will be...i just don't want to wait till its to late...
...
i was on the phone..
oh, sorry about that
...
yeah
oik
i'm here
...ok
i just want you to know, whatever it is thats screwing this up right now, i don't want to be mad at you, i just want to understand
ok
question
how come everytime i see you or talk you try and act as if things are okey
because thats just the way i am...i guess i want things to be okey...so i just act like it...kinda...denial i guess...but i just dont want to make things worse, i want to make them better
k
jw
...you always act sad, as if you've ruined everything
but i don't feel like you have
cuz i have
yea
i have
alexis, everyone makes mistakes, if i hated you just because you screwed up, i would hate myself even worse...i'm way better off with you, you make me a better person, and giving you up is not a mistake im willing to make
giving me up for a good reason might be though..
i can't take this anymore...please just tell me what happened, so i can think about it
its hurting me way worse not to know
umm
just get it out
ok fine
but it'll take awhile 
ok
take your time, i know this is hard
you sound like my mom
except i actually want you to come over
good point
Ok well you never took the whole Matt thing very seriously…and neither did I. Things change and obviously I spent a whole week with the guy and he’s pretty cool and stuff. I never thought anymore of it as you did but I dunno… I don’t wanna get too attached to someone while I’m clearly with someone else. That’s cheating and something I’m not willing to do cuz I know how bad it hurts… 
that’s why I think we need a break for a bit. I dunno what to do right now but I don’t want to end up doing something I’d ever regret.
And just because you're prob thinking the worst...no i haven't kissed or done anything too physical with him
...i sorta thought this might be it...
and
there are other relavent factors
like my family hating the idea of any other guy in my life
does that mean they like matt?
umm i dunno
maybe
because he's younger, tennis helps a bit on art and roger's behalf, his mom is a teacher and my mom kinda knows her
ect..
well...do you like him better?
does he make you happier?
that's the thing
You're the kinda guy who will always be there... so what's the point in getting into such a serious relationship in HS?
that sounds too much like i've taken everything for grantee
granted*
which i've tried not to do
Ok I love you...i always will thats the thing...
i think the point is to always have someone to be there for you, someone you can trust, someone you can love, and someone you know loves you
that perfect
I love you too, and all ways will, no matter what happens
ecause...to be honest...i don't really blame you...its human nature
see this is the totally wrong reaction...most people would go on and on about how much of a waste their time was together...and how much they hate them and ect
and thats the point..with you that's not the case
i just think what would happen if our roles were reversed, and i understand how hard it is for you
thats because i know every second i spent with you wasnt a waste, spending it with you was what made it worth while
yeah...exactly..and because it's happened before...so yeah i'd be pissed..plus i'd just be pissed anyway
yeah and i don't regret any of it either
I'm stuck
thats why I didn't want to say anything beacuse I really don't know right now
then let me talk for a bit, give you some time to think
ok
...have you ever seen the movie "high fidelity?"
no
the guy in it has a girlfriend, and they're in love...but theres always other women sorta tempting him, because theres always little things that aren't right with his girlfriend, and these other women seem so perfect, but when he gets to know them, he realizes they aren't even close to as perfect as he thought, there's still little things that aren't right...and he realizes how truely happy he is with his girlfriend
all those other women are just fantasies...as soon as reality sets in, it all falls apart...he knows that the little things that aren't perfect are what make his girlfriend perfect...
so your telling me in our case I'm the guy and your the chick? and I'm the one who's not seeing how perfect all your mishaps are?
yes and no
im not saying that all my mishaps are perfect
....gah...hard to explain
nobodies perfect, but thinking someone else will be better just isnt realistic
but
maybe matt is better for you, he is younger, plays tennis, and his mom is a teacher
hes a cool guy
yes and no...
im just a pile, im older, can't hit a tennis ball with all the luck in the world, and my moms a writer
thats not what i'm basing this upon
so don't act like i am
im just a dork who tries his hardest to be everything you deserve
i don't think matt can be what you are for me...we talk about things...
i'm not athletic
i'm not cool
but i think matt can be what i need for a high school realtionship
i dont have the best fashion sense
you are more for a life-long kinda thing...i know you'll always be there...and i want you to ALWAYS be there
but sometimes i want too much...
am i wanting too much here?
no, because i always want to be there for you
but...
well, josh and steph are really into each other, and they try they're hardest to make it work, even though they've only got 2 more years together
and even though steph was mad at josh for not doing anything with her tonight, he tried his best to make her happy, and it worked, and i realized how lucky he is, how lucky they are
its been just short of 5 months, we've still got 24 left
and i always want to be there for you for these next 2 years
4 moths ...not 5
months*
gah, i always mess that up
i just can't count
you want to be ther for the next 2 years...or you just always want to be there?
i want to be there always...including the next 2 years
ok jw
i feel the same way
i just don't think its going to be easy for me to be there for you always if you've going to toss me aside for some other guy, just because you don't want things to get too serious
but...thats not a threat...i always will be here for you
ouch...but i get it
well i don't want to come off as a slut...
a freshman slut...
i mean isn't this the same kinda deal Ellie was having
omg i swear i jsut typed that
haha
pyshic
but am I?
well...not trying to sound critical...
but...theres not many chicks who go after a guy whos a grade younger...and whos schmitty...
ouch again..but ok i get it
so you know how i said i was concerned about what cheating really was...
is this considered cheating?
to you
its doubting what things are really all about, doubting whats meant to be
yea
i hate this
i've been crying my eyes out the last couple of days
...me too...
at night
why would i want to jepordize everything thats what is right? but at the same time... it's our Junior year... our whole friggen life is ahead of us...why get into such a serious deal at a young age
its good practice?
sorry...couldnt help it
isn't this when we're supposed to be trying things out..
practice?
i just don't understand why we should jepordize everything just because its our junior year
we're young!!!
but you only live once
just because we're young doesn't mean this is wrong
my dad was in college when my mom was in 2nd grade, isnt that wrong? but they work well
lol thats kinda funny
and kinda illegal...haha
ahh yea
they work well now
after a divorce
....thats a good point
kinda like shane and diane
umm what?
well, you had shane, i had..shudder...diane
i'd hardly consider that a divorce
thats a first relationship gone wrong
yeah...you win
but
still
not trying to start a riot or anything...but why conform to society's ideals? why can't we have a serious relationship in high school?
i guess its not even being nonconformists...plenty of people do it
because serious realtionships lead way to other serious things...and besides...high school is when we're supposed to try things out
ho ho ho...settle down
your using too big of words
i mean
try things out in the sense
i promise you am not after said serious thing
of being with othe ppl
that sounded wrong
you didn't get my point
yeah, i did
three strikes in baseball, but you can still hit a homerun on the first pitch...or you could miss, and maybe get lucky on your third swing, get a single, or a suicide bunt
metaphores aren
aren't working either
ok...
what im trying to say is
why quit just so you can say you did?
why give up just so you can try again?
i hate it when people pin things directly on me...in this case there is no other way obviously but
i dunoo
and that's wheere i'm stuck
...yeah...sorry about that...im being a bit harsh
no not really
i'm just worn down and at my breaking point
just a bit more, then i'll let you get some rest
but please...
just think about this
its ok i can't really sleep anyway
its too hot
do you think things would ever last with matt? or is that the whole point, theres no comitment
yeah, kinda,basically
at this point i don't really think so..but you never know
i didn't think there would be with you...but look at us now
true
but do you think hes going to turn out completely different than you expected...in a good way?
well he kinda already has a lil
but nothing that i can for see a long long commitment to
thats kinda the point
i'm in high school and not 24 and ready to off and married within the next year
yeah, i understand, and agree
just listen for a bit, ok?
how would you rather have things turn out?
end of summer, senior year, we tell each other goodbye, how much we're going to miss each other, and how much we'll always love each other, and promise to catch up on weekends/holidays...then cry, knowing it will be a while before we're together again
whats the difference because that already made me cry
anyway besides the point..continue
or...
end of summer, senior year, you're alone (or with another guy), we talk a bit, tell each other to have fun in college, don't party to hard...and secretly we're both crushed inside, having given up what could have been the happiest 2 years in a long time
everytime we walk through the halls, everytime we see each other, a surge of regret washing over, realizing what could have been
Nick, this is harder on me than it is anyone else and honestly I don't know what... all I know is I honestly love you and anytime, anywhere, anyone I'm with can never take away that or any memories I have of us
I honestly love you too, and nothing will change that
I'll never forget a second I spend with you
but please, give me a chance to make more memories with you
I need time to think and just kinda be off myself for awhile...thats why I think we need a break for a bit. I dunno what to do right now but I don’t want to end up doing something I’d ever regret.
ok
take your time, make the right decision, make your decision, not mine, not anyonelses
regardless of the regret not beining with you and choosing some other guy or my regret being in such a serious relationship and never living my younger years quite as fullfilling
i guess its just im confused
but so am I
just not in the same context
whats left to experience? other guys, who might take you for granted, might hurt you
might treat you right, might make you happy
no, no, no!!!
but what happens when things start going good with some other guy? tell him theres yet another guy?
making the right and wrong decisions
wow..that was really harsh
so your saying I'm just the kinda girl to continue using guys?!?!
no
im not saying that
the kinda girl who wants to hear what they want and then when that gets old, move on?!?!
no, i'm not that kinda girl
but...i think you're afraid of comitment, afraid that if you stay in to long, you'll get hurt no matter what?
i know you're not that kinda girl, i know you
why shouldn't I feel that way?
That's how things in my life have always played out
you should, because the first guy you ever dated cheated on you
people promise things and they never stick with them
but please dont let him ruin it for me
well, this is your chance to change things
so why so I just up and suddenly change my whole perspective because of 1 guy?
to change things..yea
i could have changed a lot of things before too
but i don't dwell on that
im just trying to say
that
yes, what are you trying to say? because what ever it is..i've been looking for it my whole life
everyone has
because there is no such thing
i love you, and that i could never do anything to purposely hurt you, it would kill me, and i can't swear i'll keep every promise i make, but i'll do my best to do it, to be the best i can for you
there hasn't been such a thing so far
well i can't blame you..it's only been 4 month
i would trade these 4 months for the rest of my life
just to live them over
i know...and thats the thing...no one has ever gone out of their way to express that to me and so thats why I'm so clueless to commitment
and i'm trying to change that
because I've never seen a true commitment in my life work out
my lifes full of comitment, i guess im just lucky
and i know that it does exist, it does work
if its true, if its sincere
if it comes from the heart
i understand that you've had a hard life
full of heartbreak
broken promises
ok, and thats something you've understood but something that i have yet to understand and grasp ahold of
i'm not asking for sympathy
and i'm not offering any
i'm just saying i've personally never seen something work out so well...and i'm scared it won't..that it couldn't
you are strong, brave, and show maturity beyond your years to make it through all that
that it's something that is too good to be true
i'm scared too, i've always been
really>
but thats when we need each other the most
yeah, i've always been afraid you'd finnally get bored of me, get sick of me...find another guy
but...
those fears are natural
and to give up, to hide instead of facing these fears isnt going to do any good, it will only make things worse
well facing them isn't going to make anyone happier
it might make one happier than the next
i'm afraid of plenty of things...heights, but that doesnt keep me out of trees or off of roofs...and my fears never kept me from loving you with all my heart
but i guess you could say i'm a people pleaser..i want to see everyone happy
yeah, me too
and i never think its ok to feel sad
but it is, im just a bit messed up
spending your life hiding from your fears, running from them, is no life to live
i'll always be here for you when you're afraid
and i'll be right there next to you to face your fears
ok but right now this is something i need to work out myself
yes, and i understand that
but please, if you're afraid of getting hurt if you stay in this too long...
well...
there are two choices...spend the next 2 years together, happy, working through the rough patches together, and when the end finally comes, we'll be heartbroken
i don't know about you, but i'll be just as heartbroken now, and seeing you everyday for the next 2 years isnt going to make it any easier...please don't think i'm trying to guilt you into anything, i'm just saying...
and theres always the regret that these next years will be wasted with other people
i know that if we're still together at the end, i won't regret a minute of it
so speaking of commitment... you want to "be happy, work through the rough patches together, and when the end finally comes, we'll be heartbroken
...as you so put it...
i'll always be commited to you
but its going to break my heart anyways because i won't see you as often in college
ok but it's not sounding...too...
i dunno, i expect too much
Ok so what's the deal currently?
you can have all the time you need to think, to make the right decision, one you won't live the next few years regreting
gee, thanks for making it all that much easier
...either way...
ok question
either way...
are we cutting things off before I do something I regret doing with someone I'm currently involved with?
maybe you'd regret spending the next few years with me, having fun, and loving me, but wondering what else is out there
cutting things off?
what are we doing?
well...
if you want to be alone for a while, think it all over, thats ok with me
if you want to come over, talk, anything, thats ok with me
and...if you want to spend more time with matt...see if hes really worth throwing it all away...thats ok with me
ok
so...
are there string attached or not?
strings attached?
I'm alone..i get that
you're not alone, i'm always here for you
yea i know
alone in the sense that we're just really good friends for now...
is that what i'm getting from this?
if that is what you want
i want that
can i just say something?
yea
if this whole thing with matt is just because your afraid of being hurt if you're committed to me, then please, don't do this...i cannot promise you that i will never hurt you, but i can promise that i will do everything i can to not hurt you
no, i'm pretty sure it's not mainly or completely that
if its because matt is a cool guy, well...i would be fine if you wanted to hang out with matt...
but...i guess i just dont get it
why would you give this up for him? i have nothing against him, but things seemed so great, because they were great...why risk it all just for something that probably wont work well?
thats the whole point of me thinking this over...
it's all really complicated and hard to explain
yes...and i understand
and thats why i want you to take all the time you need to think this over
ok, then you can't expect an answer right away then
i don't want an answer right away
i want you to think, to make sure you've made the right choice
yes, ok, i get that
and that might never come, you might always feel some doubt
but i don't want to live a life with that doubt
therefore...we're super good friends who hang out and talk uncontrolablly
mmmkkk
but...please...don't leave it like that forever...because i'll always be conflicted inside, still feel like i always have
you've always felt that way?
as long as we've been together
you've always felt conflicted?
no, i've always loved you
mmmkkk
but...if i'm always gonna be stuck at just your bestest friend, well...that hard
ok i get it
but...take all the time you need
i'll try to leave you hanging
haha
id hang myself
ok that'd suck
then there'd be an obvious decision
...i'd hang myself too...
don't hog all the rope
lol kk
well...
tired?
do you want to come over tommorrow night, just to hang out?
na
yes, possibly, maybe
talk about anything and everything, and WATCH a movie?
keyword being WATCH
lol
finally
yes sounds good
or we could play cards
both
haha awesome
i have all day
yes!
well i'll prob sleep til 12 noon
be like ben...
well...please...will you leave a note for your mom, just so she knows whats sorta planned, and then call her?
haha
umm ok
i'll try but no promises
fair enough
brb i'm gonna grab somethin to drink
k..babe...haha
me too
beat cha
nopes
dnag
dang*
you speak vietnamesse?
oh..
nm
well i had to grab ice.. so that took a while
wanna know something kinda sad, kinda pathetic, kinda sweet?
mmm...yeps
oh i know
haha
a sucker that fell on the beach
its covered in sand...but its still kinda good if you sorta brush it off a bit
umm no
but good guess
when i got home i had a cheese quesidilla for a snack/supper (better know as "cheese crisps" with your family), on the way to DQ this evening on the radio was "Dare you to move", and lastly, at DQ I ordered a cookie dough blizzard
mmm...lucky...mmm...
so i've kinda been drowning my missery's in things i know you like
subconsciencoulsy
the cookie dough thing wasn't accidental though
i thought i'd try it
did you suck the ice cream off, and then spit it back in?
haha i did..but then it got too tempting
so i just started eating it
hahahah
did you potentially call at 3 in the afternoon to see if i was home...or did you just wanna talk?
wanted to talk
but...
i have a confession to make...
i went to the beach, bored
roger told me you were at matts
i figured maybe i'd see you at the beach, maybe not
oh he did
yeah
so when you asked me this eveing what i was up to...that was a test?
to see if i'd say where i was?
when?
at the beach
you were like...so what have you been up to today
and i said...oh things...and then i said matts bday was yesterday and stopped then said i was at their cabin..
was that a test to see if i'd spill?
well...i was wondering if you would be honest
and you were
so it was...
i guess...
wanted to know if you were sneaking around
and you consider that sneaking around?
or not telling the truth sneaking around?
not telling the truth
trying to hide it
ok
but i was honest
so it wasn't sneaking around
yes, and im glad you were honest
me too
and i'm glad i got to see you
really?
i was thinking oh great this is gonna be really wierd... but it wasn't too bad
yeah, i don't want things to get weird
so im really glad we're gonna be really good friends
yuppers
so are you going to be able to sleep tonight? or kinda..iffy yet?
im going to sleep well, glad that we talked, worked this out
and im glad that hopefully your coming over, cause im bored
yea]
i really want my retainer
hahah
i miss it
at much as i hate it
my teeth are feeling kinda wierd
like my jaw feels funny when i just rest my teeth on each other
hahaha silly
gag..only something a fellow braces wearing person would understand..
where's jared when ya need him
his retainer has a duck on it
o la la
nick...
it does
nick...
...yeah?
i'm really tired
mmmm...me too
i thought you said you weren't tired
i wasnt
hmmm
..sure...
lol ok yea
alrighty, good night, sleep tight
nighty nighty, sleep tight
and i mean that, get a good night sleep babe
mmmmmmmmmm i will
you too
love you
love you too
mmm...bye babe

Edited by Klaus