Paintballer’s Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before christmas, when all through the forum,
Not a thread was posted, not even the boring;
So I shut down the computer with care,
In hopes that Santa Shenk soon would be there;

I wrapped myself up all snug in my bed,
While the conversation I just had on PBC ran through my head;
About 11:45 I was awaken from my nap,
And I went to the toilet to enjoy a crap,

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the throne to see what was the matter.
Tripped on a pile of books I did dash,
Into the window my forehead did crash.

As I recovered, my brain it did hurt
But as soon as I saw it I went on alert
Tearing up my yard as it ripped up the ground,
Was the fearsome mini-gunned cart they call the Hell Hound.

I knew it was Santa Shenk and his gaggle of men,
I was thinking already of my plot to defend.
More rapid than beasts, the pirates they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
"Now, Koolit! now, Patrick ! now, Stingray and Dredly!
On, Sebastian! On Artanis! On, Dave Ellis and Funky!

They loaded their hoppers and ran to the wall!
Scatter! Scatter! Scatter you all!
The busted out ropes and tossed up a hook
And made their way up, combat like, to my roof.

So up to the housetop, the soldiers they flew
With pods full of paint, Santa Shenk too.

 
I have to battle these intruders, I must do what is right!
So I gassed up my 98 and prepared for the fight.
My gun in my hand, I was turning around,
Down the chimney Santa Shenk came with a bound.

He was dressed all in black, from his toes to his throat
With his free hand he dusted off his trench coat.
A harness of ammo he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a psycho, about to mentally crack.

His eyes -- how they burned! His demeanor so scary!
Out from his Pro-Carb, flew paint the color of cherries!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a scowl,
He began to roam my house, like a bear on the prowl;

With a mohawk on his head and a chin covered in stubble
You could just tell this dude meant trouble
I jumped from behind the sofa, letting out my best battle cry,
Into the cold winter night I let my paint fly

Santa Shenk spun towards me and twisted of his head,
But the balls hit their mark, I now had nothing to dread;
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And out from his pack, he pulled with a jerk,
I knew the fight was worth it, I could now see my prize!
On the couch he tossed me my brand new A-5!

He ran to the HellHound, and gave his team a whistle,
Meaner than fire, and tough as gristle

But I heard him exclaim, as he tore out of sight,
"HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD-NIGHT!"